the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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