I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
