There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
