I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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