so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
