Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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