Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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