the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize