God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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