I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
