well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
