Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
