Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm just crazy horny about you
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
