First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
