There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
