My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
