she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize