Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
BRING THE BAGELS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
