At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
