im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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