I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
