He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just tell him i said nine months
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
