at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
