If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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