I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
