too bad you live with your parents still
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
