toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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