Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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