He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
