So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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