Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
