I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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