booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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