I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
