Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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