If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
