i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
