the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
