my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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