Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
