WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
