I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
