Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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