the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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