Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
