My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
