God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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