It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
