Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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