Can i not drive my cunt home
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
