Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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