You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize