Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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