dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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