you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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