I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
