I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
vagina is talking i cant
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Pants are for mortals
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
