i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
