You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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