if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
